this is not my beautiful life

Got another job. I’m sure I’d sound more enthusiastic if I didn’t have the weight of weariness sitting snuggly in my soul. Actually, it is a good one that may allow me to move out into a place of my own. You know, since I’m a big girl and all.

Unfortunately, there is the great vast ugly part of me that just wants time. So, now we get to delve into the age old imbalance of time and space. Which is more important? Both for writing, so I have to give up one or the other anyway. But for psyche? Well. I’m clearly leaning towards space. Space.

If you don’t really know me, then let me explain. Space is my thing. Even when I was in what you people call total love and in a relationship that seemed, well, I want to say complacent now but I’ll be generous and say good, I needed space. My darling artist ex occupied a ton of space even in a 3-bedroom house. For me, that was the most difficult part of the relationship. Each one of us trying to carve out who we were with a limited square footage. I guess for him it was more of a problem of fidelity. Oh well, the knowledge of love is never ending.

And now, sure, I have wonderful flat mates. Umbi and Lexie make me feel fine and they are both a joy to be around. But there is more to me than that. I want to stroll around in my undies. I want to take a bath with the door open. I really, really want to not have to worry about sleeping too late and missing my chance for the bath.

So what do I do? I’m making enough now so that I may be able to afford a place of my own. BUT do I stay here and try to make it until August, get legit, and then come back and get a place?

Advice needed. I’m needy. And yes, I miss my friends.

By the way, this is an important weekend for several people. Me included. So, for those of you passing through and realizing things about your life, know I’m thinking about you. And Mendy, happy birthday.

5 responses to “this is not my beautiful life

  1. Get legit!

  2. Kazthe Kozlowski

    Good evening,

    Your Pa’s response is short and to the point- get legit. Getting an apartment now only to be frog marched to the border is an even bigger frustration. I think if you have two great friends, then this is a genuine gift to you. Maybe they would like to stroll around in their undies too, but for the fact that there are others there. I don’t think that space is the real issue here. There is a level of frustration which you are suppressing which is making you sound like you are whining. You are not needy. You are having a pity party and need to put things in perpective. Decide what is important: prioritize those decisions which will stand you well down the road: get legit first. Then deal with life’s variables. No, I am not a Dr. Laura or Judge Judy, I just call it as I see it.

    You need to start on your real writing. You have a gift of painting a visual picture with words. Write short stories of what you see- every day life. Describe what you see, the people, the mood, the weather. What they are wearing, what the conversation snippets are that you hear. Then work yourself into the story. Make yourself one of the characters in your one act play.Look at the humor of the absurd. Life is full of every day adventures.

    I went to a funeral today for the neighbor up the street. Just last week he came to visit with Frank. He had a heart attack. The sermon from the minister was interesting in that he talked about Bill being a good person with a good name. That it is not the material things that matter but whether you have done right by the people around you, those you come into contact with on a daily basis or even those just passing throug and whether you gave a fig about those around you. I sat there in the last pew and listened and thought about the various random acts of kindness I try to do every day. And looking at the physical shell of what was Bill, I thought, yes, there are a lot of people here crying, feeling the loss of a good man with a good name. The sermon, the people, the mood put my day back into perspective.

    I came back to Stirling Square and cleaned the chicken house. The two remaining chickens will now have something interesting to discuss with seeing me struggle to remove a lot of soiled hay, tipping over the bucket with cleaning water and then dropping most of the hay in the water. I think they will be laughing at me until they roll off their perches. They had this look of incredulity as I began the second clean up….life is simple. Its all about chickens and shit and cleaning up. Simple.

    Buck up…put on clean underwear and set a trend in the apartment! Besides I am sure there is no a/c and it is hot in there.

    kk

  3. Wow I think Kate wants you to write a book. Only your father has a lawyer that owns a hen house. I do wish you could see Sterling Square. She and Frank have transformed it since you were last there. Henny Penny and the dixie chicks are still laying eggs, but there is only one chick left besides Henny. Coyote I think. Now to your predicament. You miss your Mama and Daddy, You probably have too many jobs. When you lived in a house with 24 rooms (Mentone) you had space issue ( but your turret room saved your creative spirit). Square footage is not the problem. You need rest, my fried chicken, mommy hugs, daddy smiles and to know that every thing will be fine. Also know the best seller awaits your pen. Do they have turrets in apartments over there?

  4. yep, all of the advice is correct. I’ll stick around my roomies til August and be happy in my house coat. Then spend some time getting legit. Love the fact that my post-ers went from chicken shit to turret rooms. That is what I call range. but no one seemed to tell me what to do about time.

  5. Be selfish. Ignore people sometimes. Find a patch of green amd say the word that means the same as God over and over. But I said all that yesterday.

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